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look unto the rays of the new stoner sun rising

so yeah, uh, this is what I do and stuff...

12/17/12 12:09 am - moved

to skutgasm

4/24/11 11:46 am - blah blah blah blah

smoking blunts, getting laid, listening to music, the usual.

my life has become routine.

3/13/11 07:46 pm - so this weekend was really nice

and a lot of fun shit happened but right now I'm kinda bugging over something I recieved earlier this morning:

"Hello.I apologize if im out of line. You are a great person and was one of the only people i could turn to. I hope you could except my apology...possibly in person one day if that is'nt out of the question.....i just may leave new york and the east coast for good after this summer and it would eat at me for a long time knowing my intentions seemed fucked and caustic in your eyes,while they were far from it. If you dont want to except my apology i completely understand......Just think it over."

that's from jeff, sent at like 4:10 in the morning. holy fuck man, it's been so long. so I've been continuing the conversation over facebook messages since then and I actually feel really good about it. it's a relief to not be on bad terms with him anymore. I haven't even had anything against him recently, actually, because since my whole life has been going so well it's finally allowed me to get over my anger and my feelings for him and my bitterness. I always knew I'd miss being his friend eventually, because above all we were really close friends. I just haven't really been up to putting the effort into reaching back out to him. and now here he is, 10 months since the last time we spoke, perfectly timed RIGHT after I had finally put all the bad times behind me, extending the olive branch. it was just a really nice coincidence, I guess.

cheers for now dudes.

3/8/11 09:27 pm - me being a sap

and unable to get over how good he looks in this picture.



3/2/11 07:15 pm - alright, so I'm back

I never did find the energy to update after that 4-day weekend, or the most recent weekend either I guess. this past saturday I went to a women's health rally and then went to abc with matt for the first time in forever to see molly while she was visiting. didn't really talk much to molly but it was nice saying hey at least, and a bunch of other people that I'd been missing.

that included shawn, who I haven't hung out with at all since he and lola broke up. yeah, they split, that's one of the big events that got totally left out of this journal while I was off gallavanting about town...he had started acting really weird and treating us differently since he got back from the farm and lola got really fed up with the bullshit he was pulling and dumped him. he was basically infantalizing her and even me to an extent for certain lifestyle choices we'd made while he was busy with the vegetables, like smoking more weed, and their sex life was down the tube because he refused to fuck her like she wanted it because it would "demean" her and (lord forbid a feminist should like it rough). but despite what you'd think given all that, it was awesome seeing him! he acted totally back to his normal self, silly, loud, impulsive...if anything it was LESS awkward than it was when he and lola were still together. it was as if the break up allowed him to start treating me like he used to intstead of judging me and looking down on me.

nothing's been going on this week, just school and being tired etc, except that I wrote a bomb-ass short story that I'll post here once I get the document off of my school computer.


1/30/11 10:36 am - <3

so yeah, I guess I'm like, officially dating matthew now. it feels weird. it's up on facebook and everything. I'm kind of bugging out, like, this is just so fucking strange for me. maybe I haven't earned the title pf "relationship" yet, I'm worried that I'm jinxing it by putting it out there too early. I hope we have. I dunno. like I said, bugging out. I'm really happy, just really unsure. I hope I made the right decision, in putting this out there for all my friends to see. and all the other people who've been hitting on me lately, though I'm gonna miss harmlessly flirting with them (of course just when things start to get serious with one particular person is when a bunch of people pop up suddenly wanting me, hahaha). I suppose there's no point in agonizing over it now, what's done is done, all that's left is to keep doing what we're doing and hope for the best. :).


1/23/11 02:02 pm - so yeah

things are going nicely, I'm pretty happy, still smoking mad chronic everyday and talking to matt all the time and chilling with all of my best friends. sorry I'm never around anymore guys <3.


1/7/11 08:56 am - the past few days have been nice

on wednesday it was shawn's birthday, so I went out to dinner with him and his parents and rich and lola and much fun was had by all. shawn and rich together, especially, just can't help but causing ruckus in public surroundings. it totally rubbed off on me too hahaha. so we were all sitting in this fancy restaurant eating really delicious food but being silly and loud and yelling at each other and hitting each other and throwing things at each other and...yeah. shawn's parents are totally used to this by now, but lola was mortified hahaha.

yesterday jessica picked me up from school and we had a nice time chilling at my house for a while, her showing me lots of cool animations online of vocaloid songs. the vocaloid program is fucking CRAZY, seriously, I can't even begin to imagine the development of such a comprehensive and pleasant-sounding vocal simulator. imagine recording, individually, a full range of syllables and pitches in the millions of different combinations in which they can exist, all in bits and pieces to be arranged into any lyrics or melodies the user pleases. beyond just being impressed, I really LIKED the music, too, which I wasn't expecting.

it was so nice to see jessica, I've missed her soooo much. whenever I have a relaxing day in and do lots of geeky things by myself, it's just not the same. and if I'm bumming around with other people-which is really fun, no lies-they're not gonna introduce me to crazy interesting japanese stuff. we were so into our usual routine that I almost forgot she lives in california now, that she's going back soon :(. I'm really happy for her though, almost everything she's told me about her college, courses, classmates, friends and roommate sounds really awesome. literally everyone at school noticed how much happier she seems since graduating, getting away from her mother and spending four months in the warmth and sun. not to say that there aren't some things going on in her life right now, but I wanted both of us to enjoy our short visit and didn't want to upset her by bringing up sour topics.

anyway, we eventually went out to dinner and then headed uptown to see a musical with jessica's mom. we saw Next to Normal, which had its flaws, but which I liked a lot. the musical composition didn't stick to the standard, played-out show-tune tonalities, and that was refreshing. the story was, for the most part, really well-written as well. it surrounds this family in which the mother is bipolar and presumably mildly schizophrenic, and she's closer to the hallucination of her eighteen year old son-who actually died at the age of eight months-than she is to her husband and daughter. the daughter is really uptight and fucked in the head because of the whole situation, but starts dating this really sweet stoner kid who's a lot like her dad. their relationship develops as her parents' declines, as treatment after treatment fails to release the mother from her depression and anxiety and delusions. shit was intense. I'm glad I got to see it before it closes.

so that's all for now, really. oh, other than the fact that it's fucking snowing again. I HATE SNOW. argh.

cheers lj

12/27/10 06:07 pm - blah blah blah

so I never did get to writing up the whole week before winter break. I mean, it's not particularly important, anyway. I lost the original saved draft and I don't feel like backtracking through a bunch of shit I already tried to explain, anyway.

currently, I've definitely been feeling better, though I'm still fighting off occasional dips into that bad mindset. something about being on vacation makes them easier to deal with, though. sometimes I'll be sitting around here bored out of my skull, hating being alone...but when I need to clear my head, sitting in the shower or out on the porch and just appreciating the solitude and the change of scenery really helps. I find myself able to calmly let the anxiety go in a way that I really can't do when I'm holed up in my room, like the physical distance between myself and everything I'm worried about allows me to create the mental distance I need.

I'm still pretty excited to go home though, and get back to like, real life. I'm hoping I'll be able make some positive changes based on some of the reflections I've had over here, but I always hope for that after a trip. who knows what'll actually happen.

anyways, my christmas has been pretty pleasant. I got a nice surprise when illy called me and left me a message wishing me happy holidays :) I called him back and we caught up on what each of us has been up to since the last time we talked, and he's doing even better than before. he wanted to know why I haven't found a rich guy to take care of me and give me everything I deserve, hahaha. he really has no idea that he's treated me the best out of pretty much every guy I've ever been involved with, including suvy. maybe someday I'll get to see him again, if he ever visits philly. I don't think he's ever coming back to new york, and I understand why. whenever people come here they get sucked back into their neuroses, their insecurities, their addictions...and that's how they get stuck, just letting time pass, letting the city make them more and more miserable.

arthur also texted some holiday tidings and I'm considering maybe talking to him, although I'm not sure if it's the best idea. if what he wants from me is to flirt and make small talk and skim over all the heavy shit, it's not even worth it for me to pick up the phone. but I feel like if I can have a real conversation with him and at least make him aware of the number of enemies he's made up north, he might actually be motivated to try and get his fucked up behavior under control. I do miss being friends with him, the good parts of him, and I don't want his bad traits to continue preventing our interaction forever...emily's been saying for a while now that it makes sense to get back in contact with him, just to make sure not to get close, you know? I'll give him a chance at least, and if it's clear that despite all the shit he's been through with molly and everything he still has no desire and/or will to change, then I'll just back off until if and when he's ready to make that decision.

other than that I've been managing to keep in touch with lola, emily, anya, the majority of the people I truly care about, and that's been good for me. I briefly exchanged some holiday messages with donovan as well, and tried to call him this afternoon to see if I could make some friendly conversation but he didn't pick up so whatever. a big part of my feeling better lately has been that I'm a lot more relaxed about that whole deal. I still get some pangs of jealousy when I consider his relationship with kelly, a girl he's been seeing casually as well and drunkenly macked on the whole time at a concert we were both at, but as long as me and him remain friends and I can keep kicking it in long island and having fun with all those cool kids I think I'll get over it.

so yeah, I gotta rush off to have dinner with my family now, ugh. so, peace out lj.


11/28/10 08:15 pm - unnnggghhh I have done nothing fun today

because I've been busy working on an album review for school that I was dumb and put off revising until the last minute. I think it came out pretty fucking badass though, so as usual when I write something formal that I happen to like, I'm gonna post it here. if there's any inaccuracies that ya'll notice in terms of facts and band history and shit, by the way, let me know. oh, and the naughty words are blocked out because while this particular teacher is not the biggest hardass in the world, I thought including "fuck" and "cunt" might be a bit too much for her.

Carpathian Forest - Black Shining LeatherCollapse )

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